So to begin, I'm so proud to announce that ...
IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!!
It took the better part of 5 months, but at long last, I was able to witness two passengers engaged in a hard-core make out session in the backseat!
Of course I've seen (and sometimes heard) a quick smooch here and there, but on this occasion ... well let's just say that the interaction was slightly more involved. I should start at the beginning though and set the scene ... you know, so I get things just right.
It was a Thursday night, and the big event of the evening was a sold-out Pearl Jam concert at one of the local professional sporting arenas. It was a good night to be in this line of work, because when the demand picks up the the prices increase exponentially. And the demand always renders the best material to write about because in my experience high demand almost always means there are a plethora of inebriated people out and about, trying to get home.
The show probably ended around 11:30pm and from that time on, the business was a-boomin'!! I probably cleared around 150 bucks in 2 hours. But getting back to the story, it was around 1:30am that the stars alligned for this fortuitous event. As I pulled up to the pick-up spot, I noticed that there were several people waiting for rides like mine, so I called my passneger to let him know where to find me.
When he did finally come out of the bar, it turned out this gentleman was extremely tall. Now I'm 6'3'' and this man easily had 5-6 inches on me barefoot. He was accompanied by 2 noticeably intoxicated women that must have maxed out around the bottom of his sternum. One of the girls piled into the backseat with my UBER tall passenger (I have no idea how someone that tall fits into the backseat of any car) and the other girl jumped into the front next to me. The destination of choice was a bit vague ...
They wanted to go to a strip-club but were undecided on which particular venue they'd like to visit. Now dropping of people at these sorts of establishments was nothing new to me, so I rattled off the two places that I was familiar with, placing emphasis on the club that was less than a mile away. Of course my passengers decided they'd rather check out the tackier of the two choices which was maybe 5 miles away. To me that just meant extra money, especically with inflated-demand prices, so I cheerfully agreed and we started to drive.
Drunk people are always interesting from my perspective as a driver, but the first thing that made this ride particularly unique was the girl in the front seat. Now both of the female passengers were wielding single roses of the darkest shades of red when they got into the car. And as soon as my front-seat companion took one look at me, she started to stroke my face with her flower (literally people ... don't be gross). Something about my face must have intrigued her or perhaps it was simply my contrasting sobriety that had her so fascinated, but she just couldn't get enough of sticking that damn rose into my face and softly petting my nose.
As the ride continued, the girl in the backseat who hadn't yet begun to fondle my passenger, loudly began to demand some lively tunes. I started trying to find a radio station that would suit her tastes, but with every failure to do so, my actions were met with swift punisment. The rose petting was quickly replaced with rose slapping. I was assaulted from both the front seat and the back and there were rose petals flying everywhere. At first I was a little wary of the distraction as I was in fact trying to safely deliver these people to their destination. But it was pretty hysterical and I played along as best as I could. Around the time that the flowers had been reduced to puny stems, I had found suitable music and we were well on our way out to the "burbs".
I was trying not to look in the rear-view mirror when the sounds of sloppy kisses started to emerge from the backseat, and instead I tried to focus on the conversation I was having with the slightly more relaxed passenger sitting next to me. We were just shooting the shit really, but it wasn't long before the exchange turned into a running commentary on what was going on behind us. By this point in the ride the girl in the backseat had fully mounted her gentleman friend and while I'm pretty sure there was no intercourse involved, I can only assume from the drunken sighs and the steam slowly clouding the windows that there was definitely some heavy-groping going on.
It was all very amusing to me. I did my very best to keep the car steady, but inevitably there was a turn or two where the girl in the back lost her balance and fell into one of the windows. I really can't imagine that the experience was very comfortable for the guy either, who as I've mentioned was quite tall, but no one was complaining so we continued to make our way to the club. Of course upon arrival, it turned out that this particular institution was only open until 2am on Thursday nights. The girl in the backseat was enraged, and started yelling loudly at the bouncer, but we convinced her to get back in the car as the first club I had suggested was still open and would be so until 4am.
The ride back into town was more of the same, though my front-seat passenger had passed out, and I learned that the guy was actually a professional basketball player, which explained the abundant height. About half-way back, the couple decided that they were hungry ... for food that is, and they wanted my advice regarding late-night eating establishments. I suggested a popular diner, but again I was dissapointed when my passengers decided on some sort of fast food option. Sigh ...
Our first attempt was at a local chain restaurant that specializes in burgers and frozen custard. They also closed at 2, which had the girl in back hanging out of the open window screaming profanities at the drive-through speaker box. I was convinced that she had a few anger issues, but then again she was pretty heavily under the influence.
So we finally found a 24-hour McDonald's at which they ordered an insane amount of greasy fries, nuggets, and god knows what else. From there it was a quick ride back to the guy's hotel, though they insisted on beginning their meal in the backseat (I hate that)! All told, the ride took the better part of an hour and it ended up costing the guy around $120 but given his profession I didn't feel too bad.
But even more than the money, the ride itself was truly the reward. It was one of the most bizarre trips and really one of the most bizarre experiences of my life. The car was littered with rose petals and unused ketchup packets when I got home, but my life was so much richer for the experience. And I promised this wouldn't digress into social commentary, but this is really what I love about the whole operation. How else could I have witnessed this? How else could I have been in the position to tell you all about it?
It IS an amazing idea ...
It IS changing the world ...
And I'm so happy that I get to be a part of that.
UBER ON!!!
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