And everything shitty in my life culminated recently as my relationship with my girlfriend sadly came to it's conclusion. Suffice it to say I have been and am still very much in love with this girl, and even though I know it's the right decision for her (and probably me as well) ... no matter how you slice it, it's still a a gruesome kick in the nuts.
So at the risk of this entire post becoming one long, melodramatic whine, I just have to add that this has been the most difficult time of my life. Never before have I been so hyper-aware of my shortcomings, so completely overwhelmed by everything I haven't been able to achieve. And never before have I felt so helpless, trapped, and so utterly alone. In other words, it's been extremely difficult to manage any sense of being UBER.
It's strange but until this latest tragedy in my depressing personal life, my driving has not only served as my only source of income, but also as a very necessary escape and distraction. For 10-30 minutes at a time I have the opportunity to live vicariously through my passengers' lives. As I shuttle them from one place to another, I find myself using my background in film analysis to escape into their stories. More and more I try not to talk about myself (admittedly it's a painful habit) and instead focus on listening and imagining a reality different from my own. And until yesterday ... it actually helped.
But as I stirred yesterday morning, not really having slept more than an hour or so ... I snuck out to my car to get away from my tears and all of the pain. Shivering in the 15-degree darkness I filled up on gasoline, and got the signal to pick up my first ride of the morning at 5:15am. Normally on a Monday this typically would be someone going to the airport ... really it's the only reason any of us are crazy enough to wake up so early. But on this occasion, my passenger was a young woman with no luggage and a quirky smile on her face. Selfishly I wanted the longer airport fare that I was expecting, but I also craved any sort of distraction at the moment so I smiled back and started driving.
I was foolish to believe I'd be able to muster up any sort of conversation in my emotional state, but she seemed perfectly content to strike up the banter herself. And of course, of all things we could have discussed, she immediately wanted to know about my girlfriend.
It took enormous self control to not break down in the driver's seat as I briefly related my sad story to this unusual girl. And as we pulled up to her destination, my tale complete, she simply nodded her head, smiled, and told me to "have a nice day". There was no offer of sympathy or anything close to resembling consolement. She jumped right into my life and just as quickly jumped out, never to be seen or heard from again. I don't think I've ever felt so vulnerable and for a few moments I might as well have been paralyzed. But the rest of the morning I never stopped wondering as to who exactly had been the driver in our scenario: me or her?
I lasted another couple of hours, picked up an airport ride, and sat in an annoying amount of traffic on the way back, before I sensed that I was starting to lose control and headed home. And as I wallowed in misery throughout the day, it dawned on me that I could never truly escape my own realities in the verisimilitude of another person's life. I realized that so long as I committed this driving experience to a simple distraction, I would never truly be UBER.
So moving forward I think it's time to stop trying to escape, and approach everything that I'm afraid of facing with renewed focus and deliberate intention. My life might suck presently but I'm not going to let it get me down. If I'm to truly be the UBERmensch, I can't very well play that role without the proper motivation.
UBER On!!!
It's strange but until this latest tragedy in my depressing personal life, my driving has not only served as my only source of income, but also as a very necessary escape and distraction. For 10-30 minutes at a time I have the opportunity to live vicariously through my passengers' lives. As I shuttle them from one place to another, I find myself using my background in film analysis to escape into their stories. More and more I try not to talk about myself (admittedly it's a painful habit) and instead focus on listening and imagining a reality different from my own. And until yesterday ... it actually helped.
But as I stirred yesterday morning, not really having slept more than an hour or so ... I snuck out to my car to get away from my tears and all of the pain. Shivering in the 15-degree darkness I filled up on gasoline, and got the signal to pick up my first ride of the morning at 5:15am. Normally on a Monday this typically would be someone going to the airport ... really it's the only reason any of us are crazy enough to wake up so early. But on this occasion, my passenger was a young woman with no luggage and a quirky smile on her face. Selfishly I wanted the longer airport fare that I was expecting, but I also craved any sort of distraction at the moment so I smiled back and started driving.
I lasted another couple of hours, picked up an airport ride, and sat in an annoying amount of traffic on the way back, before I sensed that I was starting to lose control and headed home. And as I wallowed in misery throughout the day, it dawned on me that I could never truly escape my own realities in the verisimilitude of another person's life. I realized that so long as I committed this driving experience to a simple distraction, I would never truly be UBER.
So moving forward I think it's time to stop trying to escape, and approach everything that I'm afraid of facing with renewed focus and deliberate intention. My life might suck presently but I'm not going to let it get me down. If I'm to truly be the UBERmensch, I can't very well play that role without the proper motivation.
UBER On!!!
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